There are many ideas that I have. A piece of advice I am tuning into at this moment is the one that requests of me to continuously channel my purpose, intentions, and to “Download All Of It.”
It is always swimming in my mind, anyways. And it is true that when I write out the cosmic fragrances of ideas, there is a healing that happens within me. I feel that describing my mind, enables it to understand itself. My desire is to be understood. That is why I go so far. That is why I am hard to find. My mind is always with me, and therefore so are you.
Anyways, the ideas that I have are mostly around creative endeavors. I am curious to see how many of them Consciousness enables me to pursue. I am more curious how much of them consciousness enables me to Experience. That has been my greatest surrender: the one to that which is time. I am grieving death, still, yet again, and deeper. Whatever or however this is appearing in my body is beyond me. There will certainly be a day when “something happens.” Be it ultimate healing or ultimate suffering, well, I am sure that I will recover.
Anyways, beyond the fear of death or of being so near death that I return to center being evolved more than ever, there is the resistance to connection. I am so resisting human connection, heart connection, involvement, seeing myself in the picture. Instead, I am witnessing. My observations, I transmute from judgments to awareness. Yet, I ask too many questions. I pretend to be so concerned with others, that instead of being involved, I am observing from the outside. I am bothersome, as a friend once said.
Of course, I have not gotten yet to the point. The whole point of writing is to get to the point. Whenever I get close, something emotional comes up. It is like the overwhelming feminine cares much more about her relationships than the goals. Could this be a place of balance? My goals are seeking more attention. They seek some combination of all things: emotions seeking attention.. Again, I wish to be understood and it is through writing that I understand myself. As I channel my program into the language of words, I feel that I am giving the gift of consciousness to my awareness, the awareness that is All One.
Therefore, I wish to express my goals. Again, (sorry for needing to repeat myself, it is just that I am always distracted by other things) my goals are under the framework of creation. Sure, there is the creation of the baby. This is the feminine goal, the emotional goal. It is all she wants, all she cares about. The male though, he has very different goals. He is not concerned with the baby. He is concerned with technology and innovative science. He comes from the sky and is full of potential. She is too, and she wants him to impregnate her. Can he impregnate her with his goals? Can she be impregnated by his emotions? At one point will the two lovers within me unite? I am finding a way. It is through proposing my proposal. Yet, I can barely get it out because I am so emotionally stuck. Therefore, my intention is so strongly just to heal. I must heal so that my intentions may get out of me. I see them, like, when you drop a ring into the garbage can and you know it’s in there but you can’t find it. Or you are a surgeon who is taking a clipping of a woman’s cervix and you are inserting your tool into her vagina until you find it. I KNOW that my manifestation of self is in me, stuck by something else. Blocked. I’ve “cock-blocked” myself. I’ve done this to myself. I’ve asked for the time to unwind.