Yeah, I’ve been really caught up and overwhelmed. My emotions have taken such a toll on me, I got to the point of recognizing the healing my body needed to restore, repair and rejuvenate from the complex situation my heart has been entrapped within. It’s felt like a dark cave of fears surrounding me, yet they have been rational fears. I have looked at my fear of loneliness, my longing for attachment, my impossible expectations, and the standards I hold myself to, that are so monumental, it’s like I’m constantly letting myself down.
To realize this has all been my own doing has been the hardest part. My subconscious choice to look at my suffering, to the fullest I ever have, because it’s been integrated into my actual life, not in a confined container that does not apply to anything but the healing itself, has uprooted my understanding of life.
In my last healing ceremony, I felt the heaviness of my head. I felt the thoughts being literally so full of weight, that at some point, the medicine pressed my head onto the ground, as if some external weight were pressuring me, yet I knew it was the activity within that had me pinned down in this surrender.
My desire to participate, my thoughts, judgments, questions, all these movements of internal energy have been blocking me from true connection.
Yet, when I reach these monumental realizations of my self, of the love I have for this experience called life, my soul reaches to the Beloved. I feel its pull, even within my soul now. It is this loneliness that has been beckoning for the past to return its serenity to me. If only my life could be now what it was, is something I find myself thinking. Yet, it is never that simple.
I do not wish to return to the past, so much as to reconcile my relationship to it. For example, there is praise in grievance. It means that what happened to you actually meant something. It means you cared. That is my insistence these days. My soul is tightly bound within my frame, wishing to express the upmost amounts of gratitude for the life I’ve been given, the beauty I’ve seen, and the nectar I have tasted.
When life becomes plain and boring, I weep for the excitement of the love that I have had. I do not know why that love has slipped through my fingertips!
Why is this life so fleeting?
I have written of shadows being scraped from the ground, so that I could put them back together into another love letter.
Is this life simply full of relationships?
I have often felt myself to be monogamous. When my partner and I acted monogamously however, it confined us within our own love, and caged the rest of the world as outsiders, less we faced our own attachments, jealousy, and every other deep, dark human emotion that I have sought a partner to endure these entrenching emotions with. Why has god fooled me?
I am to accept the cycles of time as being out of my control, though I grieve still for the memory of what I wish I had longer. I even grieve just for not feeling heard about how much I do appreciate what I have had.
To feel unheard is a direct link to depression, because it is the opposite of expression. Yet, we do not need the other to express our love for them. I understand that our gestures are received by god, and our prayers are felt, when aligned with the receptivity of those available to open their arms to love.
So, it is me who has closed the heart, because only when it had felt safe, did it have to retract. And only in that retracting, did I have to accept how open I had become. And only in that openness did that love flow. And only in that closeness, did my heart contract.
Oh, the simplicity of breathing, yes?
And the thread?
Oh, please, tell me you see the thread.
Have you not, dear Self, delved into the machine world of typing, only to convey some lineation of one’s own story?
Guided by the books of philosophers, scientists, teachers, and I’ll just simplify everyone else as wizards. Yes, I have been reminding myself of the connection I have to writing. It has been a profound part of my healing process.
I need a relationship that gives me time to balance my intense passion for romance with my intense passion for meditative reflection.
Ideally, this never be spoken.
I want to write you letters that communicate the feelings between us.
I want my body to react to simply the thought of you.
And I realize, I want to talk about you to everyone.
I love you so much, that I want the world to know. I want to talk about how magnificent you are.
But I need you to remind me that the world is beyond us.
I need you to help me be of service.
And I need you to love me unconditionally, for all of time, because that is the level of love through which my soul resides.
I give myself to you because the force of my natural beating heart has portrayed a universal fabric upon which I paint.
I honor and respect your choices because your greatest provider of source energy is your inner voice.
You will change, because you have before.
I have seen you in many forms.
You are the Beloved, and the Beloved is me.
I am the Beloved, and I set myself free.