Yes it’s my drama but I feel like it has the potential to heal. So... let me put myself in your shoes... god, I am so done with you... you hurt me so badly... I choose to be happy... I have a right to my boundaries and if I don’t want to talk to you then you need to respect that... I never should have been with you... you have so much healing you need to do before I can even talk to you... I no longer want to be involved in your process... I’m not holding onto this like you are... I’m not suffering from this like you are... I’ve moved on and I’m fine, happy... I just wanted to see what it was like... I just thought it’d be a fun and unique experience... I wasn’t trying to be with you forever... there were too many red flags at the beginning and I knew it... why won’t you just leave me alone?... can’t you see I want nothing to do with you?... why do you keep trying?... it only makes me have to push you farther away... do you want me to start ignoring you even more?... don’t ever talk to me again... I don’t love you anymore... I don’t want to be with you... I’m happier without you... I don’t understand you... you confuse me... you waste my time... I don’t want to be always processing with you...
Then I say...
Without you, I am nothing... my feet can barely hold me up and my head has no reason to be upon my shoulders... I think of no one but you... I miss you incredibly... I still feel your arms around me... I don’t understand what changed... when did you decide not to love me?... how could I ever assume you won’t change your mind again?... how could I ever trust you?... I am hopelessly devoted to you... I want you in bed with me at night... I want your lips on me again... I see no reason to be with anyone else... they are just distracting me from my obsession with you... you fascinate me, but I would never mean to hurt you... I have just been upset, not even at you, just with my own process... I wish I were happier so that you’d want to be around me more... I feel like I am not good enough for you... I wish I knew why you left... I wish I knew how to make things easier... I don’t know how to leave you alone... it’s too hard to live without you... especially when your farewell is without love... I wish you could say goodbye in love... I want us to forgive each other...
What I really think...
I know that relationships can be fleeting... I know that healthy boundaries means we can trust one another whether together or apart... I feel we’ve taken the time to know one another so that we can be connected very deeply... I believe our connection exists so that we may flourish throughout our lifetimes, healing others with our compassion and understanding... we are two faces to the same coin as our tension has been oscillating ever since we met... I did not show up well enough in the relationship and I am showing up now that it’s over... this does not make sense to me either but no matter how much you push me away, I only seek to deepen our trust... our bodies long for one another without the attachment of our thoughts... I dedicate my healing to your life so that we may be united once again in harmony... the depth of my love exists through you so that myself and the world may know of the capacity that my heart holds for this planet... I have suffered greatly and want nothing more than the joy of your company... no one has uplifted my spirits quite like you, no matter how strongly you wish to shatter my dreams of being yours... you and I started a project together that will inspire many artists... you are allowed to think that I am crazy... I am allowed to think you are beautiful... I’ve been lost without your guidance, please find me and bring me home...
Yeah, I’ve been really caught up and overwhelmed. My emotions have taken such a toll on me, I got to the point of recognizing the healing my body needed to restore, repair and rejuvenate from the complex situation my heart has been entrapped within. It’s felt like a dark cave of fears surrounding me, yet they have been rational fears. I have looked at my fear of loneliness, my longing for attachment, my impossible expectations, and the standards I hold myself to, that are so monumental, it’s like I’m constantly letting myself down.
To realize this has all been my own doing has been the hardest part. My subconscious choice to look at my suffering, to the fullest I ever have, because it’s been integrated into my actual life, not in a confined container that does not apply to anything but the healing itself, has uprooted my understanding of life.
In my last healing ceremony, I felt the heaviness of my head. I felt the thoughts being literally so full of weight, that at some point, the medicine pressed my head onto the ground, as if some external weight were pressuring me, yet I knew it was the activity within that had me pinned down in this surrender.
My desire to participate, my thoughts, judgments, questions, all these movements of internal energy have been blocking me from true connection.
Yet, when I reach these monumental realizations of my self, of the love I have for this experience called life, my soul reaches to the Beloved. I feel its pull, even within my soul now. It is this loneliness that has been beckoning for the past to return its serenity to me. If only my life could be now what it was, is something I find myself thinking. Yet, it is never that simple.
I do not wish to return to the past, so much as to reconcile my relationship to it. For example, there is praise in grievance. It means that what happened to you actually meant something. It means you cared. That is my insistence these days. My soul is tightly bound within my frame, wishing to express the upmost amounts of gratitude for the life I’ve been given, the beauty I’ve seen, and the nectar I have tasted.
When life becomes plain and boring, I weep for the excitement of the love that I have had. I do not know why that love has slipped through my fingertips!
Why is this life so fleeting?
I have written of shadows being scraped from the ground, so that I could put them back together into another love letter.
Is this life simply full of relationships?
I have often felt myself to be monogamous. When my partner and I acted monogamously however, it confined us within our own love, and caged the rest of the world as outsiders, less we faced our own attachments, jealousy, and every other deep, dark human emotion that I have sought a partner to endure these entrenching emotions with. Why has god fooled me?
I am to accept the cycles of time as being out of my control, though I grieve still for the memory of what I wish I had longer. I even grieve just for not feeling heard about how much I do appreciate what I have had.
To feel unheard is a direct link to depression, because it is the opposite of expression. Yet, we do not need the other to express our love for them. I understand that our gestures are received by god, and our prayers are felt, when aligned with the receptivity of those available to open their arms to love.
So, it is me who has closed the heart, because only when it had felt safe, did it have to retract. And only in that retracting, did I have to accept how open I had become. And only in that openness did that love flow. And only in that closeness, did my heart contract.
Oh, the simplicity of breathing, yes?
And the thread?
Oh, please, tell me you see the thread.
Have you not, dear Self, delved into the machine world of typing, only to convey some lineation of one’s own story?
Guided by the books of philosophers, scientists, teachers, and I’ll just simplify everyone else as wizards. Yes, I have been reminding myself of the connection I have to writing. It has been a profound part of my healing process.
I need a relationship that gives me time to balance my intense passion for romance with my intense passion for meditative reflection.
Ideally, this never be spoken.
I want to write you letters that communicate the feelings between us.
I want my body to react to simply the thought of you.
And I realize, I want to talk about you to everyone.
I love you so much, that I want the world to know. I want to talk about how magnificent you are.
But I need you to remind me that the world is beyond us.
I need you to help me be of service.
And I need you to love me unconditionally, for all of time, because that is the level of love through which my soul resides.
I give myself to you because the force of my natural beating heart has portrayed a universal fabric upon which I paint.
I honor and respect your choices because your greatest provider of source energy is your inner voice.
You will change, because you have before.
I have seen you in many forms.
You are the Beloved, and the Beloved is me.
I am the Beloved, and I set myself free.
Gotta breathe slowly,
No sudden movements please.
Feeling into changes clearly,
Purifying mind and body.
Cleansing waves of illusion,
Moving through the astral planes to my destination.
Heads above water,
We're talking and breathing.
Our bodies are swimming,
Two fish in the sea.
Underneath the waves,
We're everything to each other.
The depths of our journeys
In eternity’s mind.
I am falling into a state of trance. The mystery eludes me. Happiness is existing within my soul. I feel I have transcended the emotional ladder. I feel supported by the earth. I am the tree breathing in the wind. I am the temperature, listening to the birds. All is nature, in the warmth of my chest. Protection is all around.
(Yes, I am)
Got me contemplating the waves of this ocean's pattern..
Everyday's a new day and I'd rather be...
Nah, everything's perfect.
Sure, it's a lot of energy to centralize - this paradigm is accelerating at a rapid rate, yet in a few years, we'll realize that we had gotten used to it. People still exist, you know? And they'll continue to, regardless of your impunity ;)
So, I'm finding my goals are quite personal: go to Peru this summer on a medicinal healing journey, continue to visit the Sierra Nevada's community, and make my way into the renovation at the Costa Rican healing retreat center.
Two things: I do this journey on my own, and it's not free. So, what's the buy in, for you, for me?
How about I say, all that I learn will be synthesized during the conference in July.?. I'd like the bring the wisdom, potential and prayer from one location to another. This is how I serve the Light.
I would like to tune into the many other people who are doing similar work. We are traveling artists, healers, and entrepreneurs. Oh, but the music - what a transmitter of messages! Every once in a while, I get the akashic memory of the sound healing device that harmonizes with its environment.
I feel like an overflowing river,
I feel like an instrument,
Tuned to your pitch.
Drink me, play me;
Here I am, waiting
In this eternity,
Breathing in my integration
As a calibration
To the connection of our bodies.
We entertained close enough
For our stories to intertwine, now
Unraveling one another
From the fabric,
Floating again along the cosmos.
I tune into
This distant dance
From the acquiescence
Upon smooth skin.
Basically, many people in the region have tuned into the unique property that is Ettawa Springs. Why? It’s located near Harbin Hot Springs, an old resort that was affected pretty heavily by the Valley Fire, as in, everyone had to fucking evacuate and no longer had a place to live, which totally sucked. Now, they are left wondering what’s the next thing? Meanwhile, people ARE rebuilding Harbin, taking “too long” for all of the impatient Harbonites. They’ll be excited to jump back in, but the admin working the new project are trying to let it be a slow process of return. I honor that, because a sanctuary should not be rushed.
I guess for us, we’re wondering how to make this a canvas for our intentions of building community with reciprocity in the land, the people and healing. It seems like everyone’s got their own idea of how to make it happen. And the main lesson there is, “it’s not going to take just one person to make this happen, it’s going to take many people to make this happen.” It’s like the Jesus being here again in many forms. The Buddha, the Saints, all of it, it’s all of us, We Are That Divine Presence. Thank God we’re on Earth!
We’re having the human experience, to align our ancestors with the present moment and move forward with the Rainbow Prophecy. I have to get out of my own story and participate in these transitory times. What more can I do than write my own rhymes? You know you’ve been there before, and wanting more to CONTRIBUTE to the collective change happening as the paradigm shifts from Asleep to Awake, but of Course, Yes, We are Quite Drowsy at Times. Unless you get the medicine of Activation that literally heals all nations, bringing our Harmony with the Unity of Humanity.
So we are to be but one MORE presence of Awakening Light, ideally under the Guise of a Healing Resort, which seems to be the most clear form of communication I could possibly give to create a forcefield of comprehension to the outside world. Other ideas I’ve heard are to add leveling schoolings for us to better our Selves. We might run a storefront for people to sell their Products. Yes, we must have a Garden for really going deep into the process of Mother Earth’s food resources, along with water and gravitational technologies. Our own WiFi server? Most Likely.
A place to create connection, bring in travelers from all over the world, build projects that restore the land, replenish the soul and invite all bodies to heal themselves in our company that we legally get approved by the governing entities who’ve allowed us to be supported by those channels of allies to fund our project through the ethers, please let me be another advocate for continuing these full cycles of all that everything is – simply love and nothing more.
Hello dear friend,
I love you for saying you'd be on my mailing list.
I love that I know exactly who you are.
You are amazing in your own way.
We are certainly catalyzing the shift, as well.
There are many forms to the changes that are occurring.. that is why I feel honored to communicate with uniquely different individuals.
We are all healing, I believe, as an active form of being present.
There are also many projects happening, be it with inventions, gatherings, organizations, personal practices, etc. that create our art as a mode of transmission.
This particular platform of mine, Make Like It All, is designed to be centered around art, especially music and poetry. I would like to become a publisher for those two mediums, and maybe others as well. Please let me know how I can support you, especially in those regards.
I've printed already two books. The first one I distributed at a gathering of travelers, envisioning my poems being dispersed to a wide variety of listeners.
The second book was printed recently, and has only been for sale at the Middletown Art Center. I'm actually not sure if it's done. The third one however is very much coming along. Somehow the poems are arranging themselves into a story. It's an intimate share about my journey with relationships. What's fascinating is that I've written about various people that I've had feelings for, and then the connections between them represent my form. I'm curious if simply sharing it with you, someone who I know and trust, is the best way for my art to be received. Of course, it's meant to be shared, but how beautiful would it be if it was shared . because there was a line that resonated with, you felt like reading it to someone you care about, they connect deeper with you, and our reciprocity becomes tangible, the interweaving of our lyrics resounding through time and space. Let me know if you already have a copy of Ghostly Sun Triangles. Have you read it yet? How do you find it?
Thanks for taking the time to read. Bonus points for responding.
P.S. Idlore is my pseudonym for the Written Word